If you were still here.

If you were here this is what I would say.

I miss; I miss in every waking moment that you aren't still here by my side. I wonder what life had've been like had you lived forever. I wish you could have, that would have been nice. Really nice. Is that selfish of me? To wish you lived forever? If I could chose any moment with you, I would chose all of them. Every moment with you was like time with buddha. My little buddha.
Do you see me? Do you watch me from heaven? Or where ever you are. Do you see all the things I'm doing? You would be proud. You walk with me every step of the way. I never needed 'things' from you, I don't need them. Because I know you pump through my veins, your love is wrapped around me, it is spun within me, from when my eyes slowly open in the morning until they get heavy in my solitude before I rest my head again in the darkness of the night. You pump in and out of my heart as often as my eyes blink and my lungs expand.

I would ask you for advice. I would ask you what you think about all the magnificent things I have seen; All the beautiful people I have met, all the wonderful things I have done. You would tell me what I should do next - you would laugh with me and tell me I'm beautiful. You would, like you always did. You would accept me. Even if I wasn't as pretty as you said I was, smarter than I am, wiser, stronger, truthful, loving, you would still love me. You haven't forgotten me have you?

I would tell you what I think of the world. I would ask you if you liked the world. Do you? Did you?

I would tell you how confusing things are sometimes, how I get all muddled in my head trying to fit in everything at once. I would tell you that I miss home. Home. I don't really know where home is, but I miss it. I would tell you that in my heart of hearts I don't really know what I'm doing. You know I pretend, because you watch me. Don't you? You know I pretend to know what I'm doing, but I don't really. Does anyone? I don't think so, I think everyone puts on a brave face but no one has any clue what is going on. We would probably laugh about that. You would say something clever and witty and I would agree because the world is something to laugh at. I would tell you my fears and you would wipe them away in a single sentence. A word sometimes. You were good at that.

I would tell you that if we could go back just a year ago, if it made you happy I would have never left your side. I would sit by your bed everyday. I would read to you, sing to you. I would play music for you and paint with you. I would listen to the music you liked, even though I don't like that kind of music. I would pick flowers for you and cook for you. I would look after you the way you looked after me.
You were my first best friend I think, we would laugh all the time, you made me smile. You were the greatest. I got my wisdom from you.

I would want to be back in the moments that kept me surrounded by you. I would bring you back and make you stay. I would ask if you missed me the way I miss you. Although I already know the answer. Of course you do, you miss me all the time.

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